My whole life I have been known as the ‘skinny one’, as the one who can eat whatever I want without gaining fat – only muscle, the one who will be ‘small forever’. Well I wish. I wish what they thought was true.
I WAS skinny, a long time ago. Six years ago actually. Then it all went downhill when my mum got her own business, driving trucks and delivering farming needs to everyone in our area. Well, being the oldest child I wanted to continue to be the angel that I was. I went in the truck with her every single day for weeks on end. Just me and her, it was amazing. For a while at least and then came the food. The vast piles of food.
The mince and cheese pies.
The lasagna squares.
The ice cream.
The pinkie bars.
The calorie loaded energy drinks.
The soda pop.
Anything I wanted, or so I thought.
After a while the calories began building up and I could see my body changing in ways that I didn’t like but I didn’t stop. Binge, binge, binge on the food that made me feel better. Just for a little while, endorphins would flood my brain and everything would be good in the world. That was until I saw the scale and the tiny numbers that steadily rose until I became horrified with myself. How had I let it get this out of control?
That was when the ‘You have a beer belly’ comments began. I remember the exact day someone told me that I looked fat, six years later. We were on a camp with two other classes from our year; keeping in mind that this was supposed to be a ‘bonding’ camp which was supposed to bring us ‘closer together’. All of us were sitting in one cabin room, just aimlessly talking then one boy mentioned it looked like I had a beer belly. Cue the dirty look, the instant defensiveness and the silence of the room. It couldn’t have been worse. I left, instantly with my belly sucked in so no one could see what he meant. So no one could judge me on what I had become.
That was six years ago.
Today, I still suck in my belly. Yes. It’s been six years, I could have changed if I wanted but I COULDN’T. Sucking in just became habit for me. Now I do it before I get out of bed and no one suspects a thing, except for one friend. She knows something isn’t quite ‘right’ but she has never, ever said anything for as long as I have known her.
Well that’s changing, right now. Last year I lost 8kg and I’m determined to do it again, no matter what it takes.
This is just the beginning of everything. The beginning of the change.