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Thoughts and ramblings.

Realization.

It’s something that’s hit me like a tonne of bricks. It’s like I’ve woken up today and I can see clearly for the first time in a very, very long time. What I’m doing is not healthy. It’s not healthy to eat 200 calories and then burn off 500, just to see a shift of one kilogram. It’s not worth it. I’ve been sacrificing my health, my well-being and all the offers to go out and eat food just because I’ve been scared of the amount of calories that I could consume in one sitting. It was scary. It still is scary but I’m managing it better now.

Instead of trying to stay under 400 calories for the day I’m slowly upping it, little by little at a time until I’m eating an amount that I’m comfortable with. Trust me, I’m perfectly comfortable with 400 and some days I feel like it’s far too much but I know it’s not. My BMR requires 1,200 calories per day at least and here I was, happily chugging along at 800 less than what I need. I owe my body better than that. I owe myself better than that. I’m not saying that I’m going to start eating 1,200 calories because that’s just crazy talk. I never ate that much in the beginning but I’ll slowly increase it to what I used to eat which was probably around 700 calories, so I’m still well under anyway.

I’m still feeling conflicted emotions though, I know I should up my calories so I can be healthy and lose weight the normal way but it’s scary. I’m so used to eating only 400 calories, my body is used to only eating that much so what’s going to happen to me?

1. I gain weight.

2. I end up compensating with over-exercising.

3. I go back to my restricting ways.

4. I maintain my weight.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping for because I don’t want any of those things. I still want to lose weight but I don’t see how that would happen if I’m eating more than I am now, especially since I’m working six days a week too. This is going to be tough. So, so tough but I’m ready. I need to change and if I don’t do it now then it’s never going to happen.

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